Reflections on 30

I think at 30 it is really clear that the past ten years really paved the way for the next ten years, and if I could meet myself at 20 I would simply say, keep going, carry on, you got this.  I know you are a creature of habit, you like things neat, organized, and simple. When things get difficult you are known to talk to yourself, so again I say, keep going, carry on, you got this.   

At 20 you worked three jobs, shut down the library writing research papers, followed by shutting down Buffalo Wild Wings the night after to celebrate (because you always did run with such a WILD crowd-haha).  You won’t regret any of that.  The classes, the professors, the roommates, the friends, the being totally broke, you won’t ever regret it.  So keep going, carry on, you got this.

At 22 you will student teach 35 third graders in the inner city.  It is exactly the city you grew up in, but oh so different than your childhood.  It is will be draining not only physically but emotionally too, and you will still be broke. You will wonder what the heck you are doing.  Guess what?  You won’t regret it.  So keep going, carry on, you got this.

At just a few weeks short of twenty three, you will meet someone who will change your life forever.  He is smart, funny, deeply Catholic, and college educated.  On paper he is his everything you want and more.  But something far greater than the organized check list you make is really pulling you on this one.  You are the girl who worries and questions everything and you have not a SINGLE doubt about this guy.  In fact, you feel like you can totally and completely be you around him.  You realize you have really opened yourself up to vulnerability with this guy, but nothing has ever felt more right.  Guess what?  At 30, you won’t have any doubts.  He will still be the one thing in your life you are most certain of.  So keep going, carry on, you got this.    

 At twenty three you will get that dream job you worked hard for in college.  It will thrill and excite you.  It will be more challenging than you ever imagined.      You will love it.  You will become better at it each year.   However, at twenty eight you will be ready end that chapter of your life.  At twenty six you became a mom.  It was amazing and beautiful and changed your life.   Now, at twenty eight you are ready to say goodbye to the career and devote yourself entirely to being a wife and mom.  You won’t regret this, keep going, carry on, you got this.   

Here you are at 30. You are a stay at home mom with three kids.  Admittedly some days are long.  You spend a lot of time doing laundry, reading aloud books, making and preparing three meals and day plus snacks.  You aim to keep the days slow.  Your kids thrive on this.  You have learned to love this.  There is nothing greater than these long slow days.   I imagine you won’t regret these moments with these children, so keep going, carry on, you got this.      

*This picture is from 29 year old, but it sums up daily life at 30 years old as well.

Luck, Blessings, and Gifts

The truth is that sometimes I lie in bed at night and think about my children and just how LUCKY they are.  They are lucky to have food.  They are so lucky to have a warm bed at night.  They are so lucky to go to a school with teachers who want to teach.   They are so lucky to have two parents that love each other and two parents that love them.  And maybe "lucky" just isn't the right word, maybe I should call this "blessings" or "gifts."

My heart breaks when I think this.  Not because I don't want this for my children, because I so very very much do.  No, my heart breaks for the mothers lying in bed at the same time as me wide awake with worry because they don't have food for their children to eat, or warm clothes, or who are wondering how they are going to make rent.  My heart breaks for mother's who are stuck sending their children to a school that they just know is not a good fit for their child but they have no other options.

My heart breaks and I think how can I get my children to GET THIS.  How can I get my children to see their "luck," "their blessings,"  "their gifts."  How can I get my children to be so very grateful with what they have and and to use these resources wisely.

How can I get my children to realize that life and meaning and purpose is not in collecting the most toys or wearing the most expensive name brands.   Life and meaning and purpose is about learning to give of ourselves not just financially but emotionally too.

And then I pray.  I pray that no mater what income my children are at as they grow into adulthood, that they learn to budget wisely, and be truly content in order that they may give some of their earnings away.    I pray that they learn to truly love someday and realize that being in a marriage and being a parent means really giving of yourself to the point where it is hard.  Because true love, true giving of yourself in marriage and parenthood is difficult.  But all the giving is oh so very beautiful and that is when life truly becomes meaningful.